Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize