At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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