you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Randomize
