Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
