You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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