the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
