I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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