Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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