Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
