I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
