I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
