No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
