remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
