would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Randomize
