I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
