You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
