Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
