last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
