Apparently you make a good broom.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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