go do what you do best...puke behind churches
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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