Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
