he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
