Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
