half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
