I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
