I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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