if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize