just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
