I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
