Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I don't deserve a penis
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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