Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
