The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
