You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize