That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
