good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
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