mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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