Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Randomize
