I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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