So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
