I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
