How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
