If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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