you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
