some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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