the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
