i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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