I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
