I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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