tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
