The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My cat gives me a boner
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
