I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize