i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize