I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Alive.
So much puke
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
