Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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