my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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